Sex, Love, Attraction, and Obsession: What Are We Really Craving?

...Sometimes, divorce begins long before marriage.

Why? 

Because the reasons people fall in love (or believe they do) are often rooted in misunderstanding. We think we know what romantic love is, yet our definition is shaped by the books we read, the movies we watch, and the societal ideals we absorb. Love becomes an echo of what we've been taught rather than what we truly understand.

I apologize for breaking it down to you so simply, but "I love him/her" is never enough for an enduring partnership. What is love, truly? 

I  had this conversation with a client about her chaotic experiences with love and attraction, stories that were filled with such a burning passion, but often ended in deep emotional pain and regret. As I listened in silence, I couldn’t help but sense that beneath her words was a longing for understanding, not just from others but from herself. At one point, she said something that stayed with me, her voice almost trembling as she searched for clarity:

"I wonder if I really understand the things I crave. I don’t mean just sex or love...though those two are so tangled in everything I do, but the reasons behind the desire, the craving, the pull toward someone who makes me feel soooo alive. There’s this moment I’ve experienced, more than once, where I look at someone and feel like a part of me recognizes them. Like I've known them forever. I smell them, close my eyes, and I know that it’s not just an attraction...it must be something deeper! Stranger!

I remember thinking I was madly in love with this guy. When he was touching my face, I felt so warm... even though his hand was so cold. Maybe it was his laugh, or just how he looked at me, seeing that I was so wanted by him, gazing at me, or how we understood each other without even talking. It’s like a switch flip in my mind, and I think, I want him. But do I even know what I want?"

Her words were a raw confession, echoing an experience many of us share. It’s not just the pull toward someone; it’s the question of why we are drawn to them. What are we really searching for in those moments of magnetic connection? Did they really understand each other without talking, as she said? Have you ever had such a connection to someone? 

Is what we call “love” merely a reflection of our environment? How often do we truly stop to ask ourselves: What am I feeling? What am I chasing?

We crave connection, sex, attraction, love, even obsession, but what are these forces? Are they facets of one jewel, or separate entities altogether? To understand them, we must explore their depths! 

Yes, we must ask uncomfortable questions and peel back the layers of our desires! 

Sex: More Than Just Skin

Sex is supposed to be simple, isn’t it? Two people connecting, touching, letting go. But it’s never been that simple. There’s a vulnerability in it, a hunger that isn’t just physical. Sex is more than an act; it’s a language that can whisper affection or shout validation, or even a weapon used to gain control. It is shaped by exposure and arousal. What we are exposed to creates the blueprint for our desires, breeding fetishes, or preferences. Like an artist who paints what they see, our mind sculpts what it absorbs.

In one session, a client came to me, visibly uncomfortable, to share something that had been troubling her. She hesitated at first, then confessed:

"I’ve had dreams, vivid, strange dreams, don't laugh at me, please, I dreamt that I was sleeping with people I’d never think of that way in real life. A close friend, or even a family member. These dreams always leave me confused."

Dreams often use symbols to communicate emotions we can’t articulate consciously, and sex, as the ultimate representation of intimacy, sometimes becomes the language of connection, even in ways that feel unsettling, sometimes representing just the care or love we have for another person.

She continued, almost whispering:

"And then there’s the other side of sex, the part that feels like power. Not in a dominating way, but in a way that makes me feel wanted, seen, or even in control when everything else feels out of my grasp. Is that healthy?"

Her vulnerability made me reflect on how our minds use sex, not just as a physical or emotional act, but as a symbol of the needs we hesitate to acknowledge. Sometimes, it’s not about physical desire at all, but about seeking understanding, validation, or a sense of belonging that feels elusive in our waking lives. We trick ourselves into believing that being with someone we desire will satisfy these deeper cravings.

Yet, sex alone cannot sustain a relationship. Without emotional depth, it risks becoming an empty ritual, a fleeting connection that leaves us craving more.

Attraction: More Than Just A Feeling

Attraction is the spark that ignites our curiosity. It isn’t always logical, nor is it confined to beauty. Consider taste: it plays a minor role in flavor compared to smell. Similarly, beauty is but a fraction of what draws us to someone.

Attraction operates on multiple levels, physical, intellectual, and spiritual, manifested through admiration, fascination even friendliness. Sometimes, it stems from familiarity, where something in another person mirrors something in us. Other times, it comes from mystery, the allure of what we don’t know. 

Attraction can be tricky. It’s shaped by both biology and psychology, attachment styles, past experiences, and even unconscious patterns we repeat. This is why we often feel drawn to the same "type" of person, even when we know they may not be good for us. Many times, we chase a feeling, not a person. It’s the flutter of excitement, but it’s also the start of a spiral where we lose ourselves in the fantasy of who someone could be instead of seeing who they really are.

Yet attraction alone may be the beginning of a story, like a beautiful cover, but it cannot be its conclusion.

Love: What Does It Even Mean?

Love, unlike attraction, requires vulnerability. It’s a quiet garden that demands nurturing, not the wild rush of a storm. Healthy love is a balance, a symphony of respect, commitment, passion, and friendship. It’s a choice made daily, not a fleeting feeling.

We said “I love you” before, and we meant it every time. But did we understand it? I’m not so sure.

Love isn’t fireworks. It’s not grand gestures or endless passion. It’s in the small, quiet things, the way someone remembers how I serve my tea, the warmth of their hand on my back when I’m upset, the way they stay even when I’m hard to love.

But we had mistaken so many things for love. We had mistaken obsession for love, those relationships where you were probably consumed by them. We had mistaken admiration for love, falling for someone’s talent or confidence, and convincing ourselves that was enough. 

True love, in its healthiest form, I think, is simple in its complexity. It’s not about fixing someone or being fixed by them. It’s about being whole together. It’s about being able to live without each other, but decide not to. 

Obsession: Love’s Shadow

If love is light, obsession is definitely its shadow!

Obsession is not about the other person but about what they represent, a projection of unmet desires or unresolved wounds. Imagine chasing a shadow; no matter how fast you run, it remains out of reach. That’s the nature of obsession. It thrives on validation, feeds on insecurity, and crumbles under the weight of reality. It often stems from a fear of abandonment, a hunger to be “enough” for someone, anyone.

Some obsess over sex, mistaking it for connection. Others obsess over people, believing their presence will complete them. But obsession, like pride, blinds us. Pride, I believe, deserves its own separate discussion as it's the primordial apple of all sins! Pride tells us we deserve more, that we are above the rules, and that we must conquer to prove our worth. Lucifer’s fall, rooted in pride, serves as a cautionary tale, when pride takes over, wisdom and humility are lost. 

The Faces of Pseudo-Love: The Illusions We Fall For

“Something in me recognizes something in you.”

This attraction often stems from shared experiences, trauma, or wounds. Trauma bonds, for example, might form when two people unconsciously connect through similar pain or difficult circumstances, mistaking it for a deep and lasting connection. It’s not just about the negative, though. Sometimes, people might find themselves genuinely attracted to someone because they recognize certain hobbies, interests, or values. Maybe it's a shared appreciation for music, a similar sense of humor, or even just the way they look at the world. This recognition can be a positive thing; it's what helps people feel understood and connected. The challenge comes when people interpret this recognition as something deeper than it is, believing they’ve found true love when it might just be an echo of their own experiences.

“Something in me desires something from you.”

Here lies the hedonistic pursuit of pleasure and validation. This kind of attraction isn't so much about the person themselves but what they represent, what they provide. Validation, admiration, or even just a sense of superiority. Pride often motivates this kind of connection. For example, infidelity isn't always about a lack of love; sometimes, it’s driven by the desire for more, more excitement, more validation, more praise. This is when pride blinds people to the reality of what they already have. The dopamine rush of pleasure, fast, immediate, but fleeting, is often confused for true happiness. 

“Something in me finds comfort in the pain you bring.”

This statement gets at the heart of the painful attraction to abusers or those with toxic traits. For many people who’ve grown up in dysfunctional environments, chaos feels normal; it's what's familiar, even if it’s destructive. Abusers can seem incredibly attractive at first, offering highs and intense emotions, only to trap their victims in lows and unpredictability. The toxic cycle of love and pain intertwines, creating a sense of comfort through familiarity, no matter how damaging that familiarity is. Some people remain in abusive relationships because they fear being alone, or they’ve grown accustomed to the confusion. The pain feels like love when it’s the only kind of affection they’ve ever known.

The Faces of True Love

"Something in me wants to accompany something in you."

Healthy romantic love begins with healthy individuals who choose to share their lives together. It’s not about fulfilling desires or chasing perfection, but about meeting each other’s deeper needs, support, understanding, and connection. The most meaningful gifts in love are often the simplest: an honest hug, a shared laugh, or a moment of quiet togetherness. In these moments, love doesn’t shout; it whispers, soft yet powerful.

True love is like sunlight to a plant, nourishing it without overwhelming it. It’s steady and sustaining, not harsh or demanding like artificial light. It’s the kind of companionship that lifts us up, guiding us through life’s path without burning us out.

A healthy relationship is one where both individuals can stand on their own, yet choose to walk side by side. It’s not about dependence, but about mutual respect, trust, and support. Love, at its core, isn’t about possession or control. It’s about freedom, the freedom to grow, to change, and to choose each other daily, just as God gave the gift of free will, not to compel us to love Him, but to allow us the beautiful choice to love Him in return. In the same way, love in a relationship is a choice, an act of willing surrender and mutual commitment, where each partner chooses to walk with the other, not out of obligation, but out of the deep desire to share in the journey together.

It’s not about performance or fulfilling expectations, but about being vulnerable with each other, allowing love to bloom in its truest form. Here, both bodies and hearts are safe to explore, to express, and to experience the beauty of love without fear or hesitation.

Ask yourself: Am I truly chasing connection, or am I simply avoiding the discomfort of loneliness? Do I love this person for who they are, or do I love the way they make me feel about myself? Am I working toward building a partnership based on mutual respect and growth, or am I clinging to them for validation? What am I craving in this relationship, and what does it reveal about my deeper desires and the person I am at my core? These questions invite us to reflect on the true nature of our needs and desires, guiding us toward more honest and meaningful connections.

The greatest love story begins with the relationship you have with yourself.